Founders Journal: One Year of Marriage & Recreational Habits
Our 1-Year Anniversary Party With All Of Our Family and Loved Ones
We were married on July 4th, 2020, around the same time we were ideating our project which eventually became Recreational Habits. Everyone told me that being married was completely different than being in a committed long-term relationship. The thought always puzzled me, but I had heard it from so many different people that I accepted the notion blindly without fully grasping the weight of the words. What could be so different I thought? Perhaps it would be the many more responsibilities that a marital union may bring - like family dinners and trips - and even children! Those things I could handle. Perhaps it would be that my wonderful partner would be legally tied to me, and we may have a refreshed sense of security? I certainly hoped this to be true. On top of our marriage, we were going to be co-founders in a business that we both really loved and believed in! What could change? And yet, looking back, a year after marriage I must admit that our relationship truly is different now than when we were dating.
For starters, suddenly, your partner has now taken on the role of lover, husband, best friend, co-parent, co-founder, assistant, boss, and many more. It is in the complexity and multitude of roles where the dynamic of a relationship can become confused. For one - your husband is supposed to be your rock and security and yet at the same time he is supposed to provide you with excitement, surprise, and intrigue. It is so unrealistic yet natural to look to one person to be completely different things at the same time. This common notion of impossible dependence is discussed in many of Esther Perel’s teachings. With the thrills of quarantine setting in, my dear husband took on the roles that I would normally leave open for my best girl friends. I’m talking about lengthy gossipy lunches, grooming appointments, and the experimental workout classes. And while my husband kindly obliged all my requests, it was not the same to discuss the latest trend of needles and lasers with a man who was so clearly not interested. Nor was it a joy for either of us to sit down at a beautiful dinner and spend the entire evening discussing sales and marketing options. At times it felt that Recreational Habits was our only shared interest, and the conversations that we could have about it were endless - often fired up with contrasting opinions on what we believed was best for the brand.
Another unique change was the amount of time we spent together. We had, previously, led somewhat separated lives. We went into different offices, traveled to different places, and thus had more things to talk about. For me, I was thrilled at the notion of spending every waking moment together. Living together with a shared office sounded all right with me. To this day, I do still love it. We wake together, work together, and are rarely away from each other for more than 3 hours at a time. While it may be further exacerbated by Covid restrictions and our move to the country, I can’t help but enjoy the times we do share. Of course, this doesn’t add to any exciting conversation we may have over dinner, since I pretty much know everything that took place in his day. On the other side, there is a sense of security that I feel because of the comfort and familiarity of what we have.
Personally, for me, the hardest part of our first year was learning to be more open and vulnerable than ever. Really accepting and loving yourself so that you can in turn, you can give a whole and honest person to your husband. It took a lot of work, and introspection to realize that there were so many unsolved issues that I had with my past, that I was now working through with my husband. Yikes. He became a mirror which I struggled to look at, and while I danced back and forth between my old and my new self, he became my supporting hand that encouraged me through it all. A lot of my insecurities came through the ups and downs of starting a business that many women go through. Imposter syndrome, feelings of doubt, guilt, and just overwhelming nausea - all of which I was all too happy to drop onto my new husband and business partner.
Despite some of the challenges, of which there have been plenty, we’ve come out of our first year, stronger and more committed than ever before. Here are some of the things that have helped us survive the first year of marriage and business:
Practice being honest. Perhaps it is easier for men than women, who historically have had to keep their thoughts quiet and always in a pleasant tone - NOT anymore! Be honest in your opinions, your wants, your desires, and honest about who you are. It’s ok if you’ve made mistakes in your past, your husband probably has too, but knowing who you are and what you’ve been through is essential in your growth as a couple. In business, it’s the same - be honest about what you want for the company. Set clear expectations and goals, and if you need some help don’t be afraid to voice your opinion. What you shouldn’t do, is offload all your insecurities on your partner to try and solve for you. Do your own self-work so you can be the best wife and partner you can.
Focus on a recreational habit. There’s nothing like a little competitive energy to get a rise out of your carnal sensibilities. Whether it be golf, tennis, squash, riding, commit to a hobby together. You’ll love watching each other work on the craft, and it will be even more fun if you can play against one another with a little cheeky court-side wager.
Create dedicated time for you and your husband whether that is a weekly date night or Saturday outing. Women thrive with exciting things to look forward to, so plan something for your husband that both of you will love. Make it an activity or something new so you’ll create new experiences together. If you are in business together, do your best to avoid talking about work during this time. It will take a committed effort to make this work, but before you get out of the car say “Ok, when I get out of this car, I’m going to pretend like we are coming from completely different offices and I haven’t seen you all day and we are NOT going to talk about work.” And act on it! It will be silly, but will give you something funny to joke with to start your evening off right.
Share your faith. Marriage is hard work, and sometimes you need more than you and your husband to make it work. Having a shared faith and a shared set of firm values will give you something to lean on when you just can’t stand the person you’re committed to ‘til death" do we part. Remember you are together for a bigger picture - a larger goal. The same can be said with the business - have a bigger picture you are both working toward. Align on the goal and progress forward.
Bring on the family. I think this will be a scandalous idea for some, but why not bring in more of your families into your marriage. For thousands of years prior to the European notion of a nuclear family, marriages were supported by both sides of the family. With so many different individuals involved in your lives, and intermingled in your relationship, you didn’t need to put so much pressure on your husband to fulfill your every need. Friendships could come from cousins, comfort and security from a mother-in law, laughter and excitement from a sister. So why not bring on the family? Every family has its drama, but as long as you and your husband are on the same page, sometimes a little drama can bring you guys closer together. At the very least it will give you some new stories to laugh at when you’re recapping your day.
