Warning: I never wanted to make being a mom my whole personality, but here I am writing about it. So let’s just begin….

I feel like there is a secret bond amongst New Yorkers. It’s an unspoken understanding that yes, I also choose to live in a cutthroat environment pushed to the absolute peak in every area of my life. It’s the contagious determination of being the best, surrounded by the best, is one that is equal parts sadistic and genius. It’s finding joy in taking 2 trains home from work to a 5th floor walk up with minimal AC with big dreams of moving closer to the city… eventually. A Darwinian ecosystem of sorts, only the strong survive and for most that means a child-free existence. It explains why for 10 years when I lived in New York I never thought I would have kids. Of course I occasionally dreamed of a Hamptons home filled with fresh hydrangeas and nannies, with a small kid here and there, but they were never ever on my Manhattan vision board. I wish I could tell you that now, as a mom with a toddler, plus 3 bonus teens living under the same roof that I am a different person, but honestly I still feel like a 22 year old New Yorker with an insatiable drive. Of course some priorities have changed and I can no longer rebound from a 2 AM night out at 1Oak, but alas, I still want to feel like her.

My biggest challenge that I’ve experienced this year, is envisioning the woman I want to be moving forward. How do you go from being so self invested to sharing your priorities with other little people. The physical body that you’ve spent so much time perfecting and sculpting made absolutely soft (and generally just off) by growing another human. The unparalleled work ethic that you were so proud of is cut completely short when you overhear your child say mama down the hall. The friendships and hobbies that you’ve painstakingly developed through your early adult years take a backseat to your kid’s bath times and night time routines. Trips and vacations that were on your list are no longer child friendly enough for you to enjoy. I mean let’s be real - this is an absolute disaster for a control freak person like me (and like my fellow New Yorkers). So I reiterate the point that it is a challenge to become a mother - and even when you are a mother, its an even bigger challenge to be come the woman that you have envisioned yourself to be.

So how to become her? I have absolutely no idea, and I’m on my own journey to discover the way forward, but I will share that I’ve really enjoyed trying to keep up with recreational activities without my kids, like going golfing for 9 holes or taking a tennis lesson. While the commitment for these things can be a daunting hour to 3 hours, the distraction, endorphins, and the overall focus of the task at hand (that doesn’t involve your children) is a wonderful reprieve from the mental load that moms take on. Usually these activities take a bit of planning, so you’re forced to find childcare (partners, family members, etc) or anyone who can help out for a few hours so you can do your thing, and that is totally ok! Recently I went out with my team and Marlon, and we had so much fun playing 9 holes. It was absolutely silly and we were both very rusty, but it was wonderful and gave us a boost in energy and connection. Although it was a mix of work and play (we were testing out our Fall performance styles), it still felt like all play. Tiktoks were made, hotdogs and beer were enjoyed.

Anyways, this was just a little Founder’s Journal that I wanted to share with you guys not because I was feeling particularly inspired, but actually the opposite. I’m hoping maybe one or two of you are going through something similar. I’d love to hear how you’re going about it.